In search of Igor

The room is poorly lit, perhaps for the best for its contents are the systematic embodiment of chaos. Much of the furniture and decor hints at the last interior job having being done a few centuries ago. The walls are stone, tapestry hanging on them while adding a mothy odor to the place. The ceiling is more than double height-ed with a large wooden light fixture in the center. Along the walls are shelves and cupboards of various sizes. On them thousands of books, vials, tubes, cases, bottles, flasks. There are also a large number of scientific implements, the kind of stuff you’d imagine medieval christian scholars fiddling with. The only lit light in the room sits in a corner where nestled between a window and a large cabinet is an old, heavy wooden table. In front of it is placed a chair on which sits a very peculiar man. His limbs are thin but he is by no means small. His height and the breadth of his chest are enough to make an impression on anyone. He is bald with excess skin making folds along the neck.  He is not someone you or anyone would mistake for anyone kind or dumb.

The heavy door to the room creaks open to reveal a silhouette, the man on the table doesn’t look up. He raises his long fingers beckoning the figure in. The second man, if that term can be applied to him, is short, stout and severely arched. He comes in and stands so that the lamp on the table reveals his unusual features.

DR CYNICESTIEN

My name is Dr Cynicestine, I’d ask you to sit but you’d be standing for most of duties so you might as well stand now. Your Name?

IGOR
Igor Krabutsky, here is my resume.

Igor hands over a slim dusty folder to the doctor who begins examining it

DR CYNICESTIEN
I see that you graduated from the Lichtenstein School of Evil Apperenticeship, what was your
specialization?

IGOR
Sir, it was in brain removal. I did my thesis in skull sawing techniques.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Hmm, you are very articulate for an Igor aren’t you?

IGOR
I was on the school debate team Dr.

DR CYNICESTIEN

A debate team for Igors? Very productive. Still I guess those skills of yours can make you the perfect object to bounce thoughts off. What about work experience?

IGOR
I worked at the Public Academy for Organ retrieval as a scavenger till I was offered a position with Dr.Philistein.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Aah! Hardly an ideal master Phil. Very messy and demanding work. How long did you last?

IGOR
I was with him for 5 months before moving to Dr Lukenstein, the not so famous descendant of Dr Mortestein.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Mortestein had a son? Surely not a natural birth, I expect you worked on electrical rejuvenation at his place?

IGOR

Yes sir, I managed the Tesla coils, alternative energy sources and all the wiring.

DR CYNICESTIEN
So why did you leave? Being associated with the Mortestein family could have made you famous.

IGOR
With all due respect to my ex master, the doctor was making very little progress in his work and the regular accidental shocks I got were wearing me down. Four years of electrocution is unsettling.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Yes, that will happen. There is no future in reanimation via electric current! All it manages to do is ionization followed by severe charring. So what do you know of my work?

IGOR
Not much Doctor, only that it requires brain removal and is to do with unnatural selection.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Igor, I am impressed with your use of vocabulary beyond your station. However I have also some more conventional duties for you which are more important than wit. As you can see the entire castle is in a state. My last Igor was relieved of his services, rather abruptly. You if employed shall be in charge of the upkeep of the place, cleaning my lab and keeping it stocked. Inventory management, pest control, intruder control and communication management shall also be expected from you. I work all hours so if I am up so should you be.

IGOR
Yes Dr Cynestein, all this is part of the job description.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Hmm, my work is delicate Igor and it is also unusual. Your grave digging talents will not help you
much here. I have devoted my life to the biological restriction of the mental affinity of many men and women to stupidity. This could be done by restricting content to which the subjects exposed, but that doesn’t work. Can you guess why?

IGOR
I suppose its the suppression of free will, it kills the creative process and produces very similar samples.

DR CYNESTEIN
Right in one, Igor. The sum of human life must be a result of experiences. One cannot limit those experiences but control the hormonal and neural tendency to the reception of certain stimuli. Tell me, have you ever dabbled in anesthesia or abduction?

IGOR
Not much, corpses hardly have any use for either.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Ever removed an entire nervous system?

IGOR
Of a human? No. I have done it for various fish and smaller mammals. Humans only removed the brain, postmortem.

DR CYNICESTIEN
So you have no surgical experience with live humans?

IGOR
None officially cause I don’t have a surgical license but Dr Philistein allowed me some experiments.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Ok, tell me how do you make an incision to remove the brain from the skull if theoretically you want to keep the brain alive?

IGOR
Well I’d start with a hole on the top of the skull to relive fluid pressure, then I’d start with a
piece by piece approach with vaccum suction to remove the outer shell. It’d be important to leave the back untouched as the brain would stop breathing, so if I could somehow use a breathing device instead of the pons I should be able to pull the brain out.

DR CYNICESTIEN
Very well, Igor go to the next room, you should find a subject tied to an operating platform. I
would like you to try what you just said. All the equipment needed should be present and there will be a cranial respiratory pump with a small set of instructions. Use the device to try and simulate keeping the brain alive. Depending on the performance you will have the privilege of calling me master and being part of the cure for bad taste. Now go about it, you have 2 hours!

Igor shuffles nervously to the door to which the doctor points. He enters a very well equipped cold steel operating room. In the center on a large platform is a young man’s body tied down with leather straps. Igor begins marking the man’s heads for points of entry when he feels the chest of the man make the unmistakable motion of a heart beat. This is to be his first live human operation. 

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